Something has to lead you to it – to ‘A Course in Miracles‘. Because you don’t just randomly pick it up. You’ve been led there and have made a decision to go forward with the lessons.
This book is thick; it is no joke. Just holding it implies significant commitment.
The first section is nearly 700 pages, and then there’s more. How do you wade through it? How do you take it on? And why?
The preface gives you some insight as to how to approach the book/the course. There are daily lessons, but you can set your own pace. There are 365 lessons to last a year. Wow – I’ll be going through this book for a year? I don’t typically work like that.
I’m more the fast-and-furious-type. Lots of energy at the start, excitement, motivation…. and then that fades.
Yet, how wonderful if I could complete it. What lies in store? And again, why would I take this on? Why should you?
I’m sitting here in my local coffee shop, a gorgeous loft seat with a window overlooking my town. There are lights strung up outside, and although we are in the Christmas season, these are year-round lights simply for atmosphere. I love my town, my small community.
Yet I don’t typically take a work day to come here. I typically work at home, which is something that I dearly love, but also something that is often challenging. Podcast recordings with my son playing or crying in the background while his dad works to take care of him.
Today I needed a new space, some focused time, some room.
I brought with me my laptop for work, a new book (to me) called “The Science of the Mind” by Ernest Holmes, and another new book, newly purchased and still in its plastic wrap, “A Course in Miracles.”
I’m asking for guidance.
In so many ways my life is so beautiful. I have a brilliant and gorgeous 5 year old little boy, a deeply caring and loyal husband, cute little daschund mix dog, beautiful home, my own business which allows me incredible freedom and flexibility, and perhaps best of all, the promise of new life… I’m expecting.
At 5 months along, this new little boy joining our family has been the answer to prayers, to visualizations and even to deeper metaphysical questions I’ve had about life.
My father passed away 2 years ago and desperate with grief, I pursued a between life reading from a friend who specializes in these sessions.
Having suffered 3 previous miscarriages, during these sessions I also asked… who I’m not sure… My higher self? God? My dad in spirit? I asked why. “Why?” But received no reply.
What I did receive was beautiful and staggering. Around the vision of all of my children (in spirit form) during my life between life regression, I asked my dad if there would be another. I was shown an image of a beautiful firefly coming towards us, to join us.
I took it as a sign. Yes. There would be another child.
That was a year and a half ago, and yes, we are expecting a new little angel.
I’ve always for as long as I can remember, been a seeker…. What is this life about? Why are we here? What is my purpose? What really happens after we die?
Those questions have burned in me from early in life. Puzzled by people, situations, harsh life circumstances, good and evil… I sought. I read. I learned.
When I came to find meditation, specifically when I came to find TM (transcendental meditation) I thought, “I’m tired of being a seeker. I want to be a finder now.”
And a finder I have been. I’ve received so many answers over the years.
I’ve found peace beyond which that I can describe…. Some days.
I’ve found exhilaration that made me feel like a glowing ball of pure energy and zest for life that I simply cannot describe… For periods of time.
I’ve found the kind of gratitude that can make me cry at the sight of the fall leaves dripping to the ground, more with each gust of wind…. Some moments.
How to hold onto those feelings? Sometimes they are so fleeting. And yet, when I am without those moments of pure inspiration, I am inverted. I am moody, or low. I am confused again or lazy. I am frustrated or a self-doubter.
The journey of ups and downs can be exhausting.
Having run a profitable online business for 3 years now, it is in its third year that I feel I have failed. Yes, I did indeed believe I could become a millionaire with this business. Many of my friends and colleagues have done so. Yet, currently, profits are down and so is my drive and ambition to ‘make it work’.
I have done enough metaphysics reading to know that ‘making it work’ is never as fun and easy and joyous as ‘being in the flow’.
Being in the flow is absolutely brilliant. It is the essential truly living that we all aspire to. It is ease, it is happiness, fulfillment, purpose, joy, energy and positivity all rolled into one.
Yet here I am today, nearly in tears over reading the first 3 pages of A Course in Miracles, because I feel a little lost.
Because I feel a little unlike myself.
Because I don’t feel well. (pregnancy sickness and fatigue have taken its toll after 5 months)
Because I’m not a quote/unquote success yet.
Because I’m tired.
Because I’m confused – again.
Because I want divine inspiration.
Because I want to know WITH CERTAINTY – WHAT AM I MEANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE? And how can I make a good living at it?
I start a new project, and it feels so right. Then a day later, self-doubt creeps in.
I’ve spent the last 5 months in a withdrawal mode. Forced by physical condition, I’ve had to spend many days in bed. Many days without much, if any food. Many days sick with nausea coursing through my body. Many days throwing up. Many days with fatigue that puts in me bed to sleep at 7pm only to wake 12 hours later at 7am. At which point, my sweet 5 year old lovingly demands my full attention.
Work hours drastically reduced, and lack of clarity with just about everything I do work on… It’s been a strange time. Filled with gratitude for this pregnancy and miserable with sickness. I try to remember that this is a small and temporary inconvenience (being sick) and that I’m so incredibly fortunate to be in good health overall.
Commitments I’ve tried to fulfill during this time – Well, some I’ve completed and some are still on the docket.
Guilt from not holding to my work integrity.
Mommy guilt from not doing our homeschooling lessons regularly.
Fatigue from looking at a messy house.
And did I mention, profits are down?
But withdrawing from the world can be a good thing. It’s made me take stock, look with fresh eyes. When I come up for air on the days I’ve felt good, I have made swift moves recently to wipe out certain things from my life that simply 1) don’t make me feel good or 2) truly don’t serve me.
Absence of dozens of facebook groups, respectfully but definitively leaving behind connections with local networking groups, deletion of certain business services, stepping down from mastermind leadership and even reducing my wardrobe down to a few cherished items. In this way, I’ve been quite busy for the last few weeks.
A friend of mine, who is a fellow coach from Duke, made the statement that taking these things out of my life is perhaps making space for something new.
Ah, now that sounds like a breath of fresh air. Making space for something new.
I started this blog, The Truth About Living, on one of those recent days when I’d had it with everything I was doing and went for a walk. During moments of inspiration, this blog arose. It felt right.
Yet, doubt creeps in.
And so I am presently tired. I am presently looking for new hope, new inspiration. I am presently on the surface, operating on low gear, and perhaps even appear slightly apathetic. However, inside, I’ve realized I am highly emotional and can apparently begin crying simply during the preface of A Course in Miracles.
As I write this, I even wonder… Is it wise to put your innermost thoughts on a website, for heaven’s sakes? What will people think? What will they say? This should be in a private journal, not online for everyone to read.
But you see, that’s part of what I’m tired of. I’m tired of putting a pretty face on everything. I’m tired of marketing just the right message without sharing the truth about what lies inside.
To me, self-doubt and occasional lulls in life are what the truth about living really is. After all, if we were all walking around in Zen states, well, this would be a very different world wouldn’t it?
I was surprised to read that Gabrielle Bernstein shared in her recent book, “The Universe Has Your Back,” that she’d suffered from panic attacks in 2015. A new thought leader and spiritual teacher! Having panic attacks! I’m so appreciative to her for sharing that because it humanizes her and should how no matter how aligned we get spiritually, the truth is that sometimes life is hard.
We have challenges, period. And yet, we have overwhelming joy.
What I am making sense of at this present moment is this excerpt from the preface of the course.
“This Course is a beginning, not an end…No more specific lessons are assigned, for there is no more need of them. Henceforth, hear but the Voice of God… He will direct your efforts, telling you exactly what to do, how to direct your mind, and when to come to Him in silence, asking for His sure direction and His certain Word (Workbook, p. 487)
What It Says
Nothing real can be threatened
Nothing unreal exists
Herein lies the peace of God”
I’m not promising to write each day that I read the course. And I don’t believe this to be a dark period of life as I’ve heard Michael Bernard Beckwith share that he experienced for years at a time. (It’s a withdrawal that can feel quite negative at the time, but ultimately leads to renewed purpose and awakening.)
I’m keenly aware that most of what I’ve said thus far is not truly uplifting or positive. Yet I’m learning that in order to uplift others (an objective that does feel aligned with my purpose) you don’t have to hide the dips in your life. The dips may very well be what make the highs feel so amazing.
I’ve found that many leaders don’t share the dips until they’ve come through them. Gabrielle shared her panic attacks after she had resolved them. Michael Bernard Beckwith shared his dark period years after he had emerged from it. And Tony Robbins tells you about epiphanies he had about what needed to change in his life, even while he was experiencing great success as an inspirational speaker, years after the fact.
What if you went through it with someone as it was happening? That would be a real peek behind the curtains.
There are things I know in my heart that I am meant for, if I’m honest. And uplifting others has got to be a part of the plan. I know I’m a skilled teacher. I know I’m driven to lead. I know I’m a skilled life and vision coach. And I know I see the most tender and treasured aspects of you. I know I have the utmost respect for each individual soul. And I know I serve without judgment. Surely, all of that can add up to a beautiful life and career helping others and thriving. Right?
Maybe this is the way.
And off I go to read more of ‘A Course in Miracles‘. I think it’s going to be a good day.
Life is so good, truly
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